To Be or Not To Be An Aristocrat

The dirty little secret that expats around the world choose not to highlight when they return to their native home, is that... well... most of them have a little help around the house. This would be rare to see in middle class America, or perhaps any other "westernized" country, as it smacks of slavery, and reminds us of times when we were less than honest about living out our ideals that "all men are created equal". But a little tour of some of the less "westernized" countries of the world, would reveal, I would be willing to bet, nine out of ten Westerners still taking advantage of cheap labor to make life a bit easier. These helpers could be nannies, maids, "house-boys" (a term I always cringe at, since these are usually grown men), gardeners, drivers, etc. To be fair, life is often much harder in many remote parts of the world, and expats often come with a high level of expertise and are contributing some valuable services to needy communities. To spend most of their time with the daily chores of life would take away from that considerably. As well, having a helper, is employment for someone that might have otherwise not had a job. No matter how justifiable these arrangements are, they have somewhat of a status defining effect, and one can easily start ascribing differing amounts of value to people depending on their particular role.

I did not anticipate the struggle I would have with this decision before I came out here. At the moment we have no help around the house, but have turned away at least ten potential gardeners and a few house maids. We welcome your opinion...

Finding Our Way Together

We have been in Saudi Arabia for a month now, as a family, and are far from a comfortable routine. I've been busy with work and endless other appointments for permits, licenses, I.D.'s, etc. that only I can do as I'm the only legal driver here in our family (women are not allowed to drive). Nikki, on the other hand, has been a bit stir crazy, unable to do much or go anywhere as Maddy comes home every day from school for lunch, and there really isn't time to get anywhere and back on the bus to go shopping etc., during the 2-3 hours Maddy is at school. So, often we join each other at opposite emotional levels - me wanting some peace and quiet, and Nikki longing for an exciting trip somewhere.

Speaking of exciting trips, the driving here is incredible! Since our new location doesn't come with a crew car service, I've been driving myself to work. My rental car shows about 4000 kilometers in the "trip meter" now in the last 4 weeks, while I've been waiting to get the proper documentation to drive our newly purchased '91 Honda Accord. During that time I've had to learn a completely different way of driving. Now, half of my attention is in the mirror, as I struggle to stay alive. Typically I'm on a highway with about 2 or 3 lanes and it seems like no one goes the speed limit. They are either 20-40 kph slower or 50-100 kph faster. So if you are cruising along in the middle lane at the speed limit (120 kph - or about 75 mph) you will invariably come across a slow service truck or guy on his cell phone going 80 kph. You will slip into the outside lane to get around him, and maybe two or three others he's following. Before you can get back into the middle lane, you will suddenly realize someone has come out of nowhere, and is tailgating so close that their windshield fills up most of your back window. Either that or you are being passed on the left shoulder by someone going literally twice as fast as you, and your car rocks from side to side as they whiz by within inches of your side mirror. This is an every day occurrence.

Exit lanes are also used very ...efficiently. Just the other day I took the exit off of one highway and had stopped at the end to yield to traffic on the next road I was going to take. I decided I wouldn't cut anyone off so I politely wait for a comfortable space to merge into. While I was waiting I suddenly realized cars were coming around me on both sides perfectly content to turn my one-lane exit into a three lane mass merging free-for-all. I was a sitting duck. I decided to let go of all courtesy and force my way into the crowd, as I really had no alternative. It's a different world out here. I usually can't wait to get to work so I can strap myself in an airplane, get it in the air, and finally relax.

Routines are starting to develop, however. Nikki has been going to Maddy's school to help out for a few hours a day. She's also been able to do some circuit training and yoga, and even has some Arabic lessons lined up. Thursdays (equivalent to Saturday's in the U.S.) usually are family days when we can go to the swimming pool, or library, and then come home, take a quick snooze in the hammock out back before we settle down to a rigorous game of monopoly. Fridays we go to a small Christian church on the compound, and maybe hit up a delicious brunch at the diner. I think I'm going to try to rejoin my water polo group on Friday afternoons, but I'll have to see how everyone else is feeling about that. Gone are my regular workouts and uninterrupted reading, but the sacrifice is well worth it. Peace and quite are not worth loneliness and separation in my book. It's much better this way.

Let's Get This Thing Started

So here it finally is. My own blog. I've spent most of the last 14 months in Saudi Arabia, and the experience has been so entrancing that I've found myself irresistibly drawn to journaling. Since I was separated from my wife and kid most of the time (geographically), I sent some of these journal entries home as email attachments, so that they could get a bit of a taste of what life was like for me out here. My wife decided to send them around to friends and family, many of whom seemed to enjoy it. (The rest have wisely kept quiet.) Now that we have sent close to 40 entries out via email, it seems long past due that I step into the blog community and do it properly. So here goes...

I make no promises about frequency of updates or specific themes or content. Let's just see where it takes us. I'll start off with my last journal entry ...which never got sent to anyone ...due to distractions. If I can figure it out, I'll try to put some of the older entries in the archive section. Feel free to comment honestly. Polite platitudes will not be tolerated. Give it to me straight up.

Twilight of Separation

I’m in Amsterdam right now, on the way back home. This isn’t a regularly scheduled leave, I just asked for a few weeks to finalize my worker’s visa for Saudi Arabia, which is the last link in the chain of events that should lead to actual employment, and most importantly, the end of my 13 month separation from my family. All this last year I’ve been an independent contractor working under a visitor’s visa, with no benefits or paid leaves, and no legal means to have my family in Saudi with me. That all should change in a few weeks. I’m greatly looking forward to it. As much as it was nice to be able to have a lot of time to myself without much in the way of obligations, it never felt like a very healthy way to be a father and husband. It also got harder and harder for Maddy to let go of me when it was time to go back at the end of my three week leaves. I don’t know if I could have handled much more of that. I look forward to quickly working back into a much more active role in parenting Maddy and relating with both her and Nikki (a new and improved spelling). It was nice to be able to talk to them and see them every day via the Internet, but there was still a relational deficit that can only be remedied by physical presence, I believe.

This brief interlude away from the normal, has provided me some unique opportunities that I will always cherish. Besides having the time to learn a bit of guitar, and Arabic, I have been able to develop some friendships with some very special people. Some, I’ve gravitated to more than others, but I don’t think I would have had opportunity to spend half as much time with these guys had I also been living with my family. What has also been a unique and growing experience has been the attempt to let go of the desire to have to categorize and define my life experiences. In an attempt to be more honest with myself, I have allowed a much greater amount of questions to remain unanswered. I don’t know if this has been a healthy move or not, but I have at least seen an apparent relational advantage. A guy with less answers, is more prone to listen to others. This has a remarkably positive affect relationally … and if I have learned anything this year, this would have to be it. Both Socrates and Solomon said that the person who thinks himself wise, is not. My certainty of so many important things remains illusive, but what I have become convinced of is that relationships are just about the only thing worth living for, and no relationship works without love expressed through a listening ear.

Another confirmation of the power of honesty has come to me through literature. I had an epiphany the other day as I realized, a bit more clearly, why I have loved Steinbach so much over the years, as well as Pearl S Buck, and Khaled Hosseini. This was made clear while I was reading a different author that just didn’t feel like it was of the same caliber. I realized, as I was reading, that great literature is often great because of its honesty. The book I was reading was a biography, and it was reminiscent of many biographies I used to read when I was much younger, as well as many funerals I’ve attended. The main character was overly praised and seemed larger than life, and therefore unreal. This might be necessary for biographies and/or funerals, as it would be very disrespectful to a main character’s family to paint too real of a portrait. The beauty of good fiction, I’ve now decided, is that it provides a platform for less restrained honesty. When the “hero” does wrong, and experiences guilt or shame etc., the effect on the reader is powerful. It puts writing on a whole new level, as far as I’m concerned...