Ruminating in Dubai

Sitting in the Vienna Cafe at the JW Marriott in Dubai enjoying a latte and OJ, waiting for my breakfast, while Josh Garrels from my phone is feeding my head. Here for Boeing recurrent. Got in yesterday traveling from Bahrain in Business on Emirates. N and M are in the US. Yesterday was a lazy day. Very tired. Tried to sleep, surfed the channels, finally went to sleep late afternoon. Woke up around 6:30pm. Did some exercise in the gym, then went down to the pub and had two beers and a quesadilla. Watched a little live music, which was fantastic! Very talented Filipino band. Felt good. Went to bed and surfed the TV again. Settled again on music videos. Watched a series of videos from an artist known as Rhianna. Probably very famous. Music and video editing was superb. It's been so long since I've enjoyed good art. A bit suggestive ...okay, very suggestive, but that is to be expected. It's interesting to see that now as a 43 year old man. It doesn't have the power over me that it used to. I was living yesterday as a silent observer of my own self. The human experience is so fascinating. I was observing how it felt to exercise, have two beers, watch sports, listen to good live music, or music videos. Just tasting life, quietly, modestly. No hookers, no excessive drinking, no drugs, just appreciation of the little things. Enjoying the effect of the latte and good oatmeal this morning. Working on some fruit. Enjoying my iTunes. Thinking, pondering... Don't want to read the bible and disturb my reverie. It invariably makes me mad. Thinking about the forces at work in the world. The push, pull, pressure, resistance, retaliation, revolution, greed, corruption, gluttony, fear, piety, restlessness, hunger, jealousy, flattery, angst, love, lust. Tight clothes, high heels, hunger, bare shoulders - trading sex, or even just the thought of it, for the apparition of love, or, ...at least a better income. Or enormous guts like scarlet letters revealing years of emptiness, want and indiscretion. Patience and moderation now seem to be a thing of the past. Want want want, take take take, use use use. Thinly veiled manipulation reverberates on every billboard, tv screen, and magazine- but nobody cares anymore. Denial is a powerful anesthetic. Pretending you are loved and wanted is better than the alternative... I observe all this from my perch, as I watch life go by like endless traffic on a busy highway. I've seen the cycle too many times, and have let it bite me more than once. Want repels love, which only feeds the want. Love can only be really found when want is gone. You can only get it when you don't need it - because it happens only when you are full enough to give. It is a profound paradox, much like greatness found only in service, "the first will be last and the last will be first." I'm at the edge of what I consider to be a fairly powerful choice. Well, the choice has already been made, really, but the final act is yet to come. Still reversible at this point. I'm about to leave a perfectly good job that pays me a quarter of a million dollars annually to do very easy work that gives me plenty of time with the family. I'm trading all this in for a salary of less than 50K, more work, less vacation, and less time at home - just to be back in the U.S. with family and friends, and to break the spell of affluence. I'm willingly checking back into the mainstream. Back to struggle, and want. Back to "never enough." All tempered by freedom from debt, ownership of property and half a mill in the nest egg, ...but nevertheless much less than what it could have been if I would have stayed. What an experience these last 5 years have been! I'm full of memories and a new perspective on, ...everything. Much like what good science fiction does to pull you out of your life to see the same issues in a different context - so you can see it clearly for what it is - removed from the fog of familiarity. I immersed myself in a radically different world view these last 5 years. The context was different, but the longer I was here, the more familiarity I felt. My upbringing was heavily influenced by the worldview of my family, and I've found that the same piety, pride, and dogma induced blindness occurs here. The apparition of certainty dulls the senses in any world-view and closes the mind, it seems. I've found another paradox, which is - allowing oneself to risk letting go of "certainty," opens the mind to truth. Seeing life the way it is, instead of the way you want to, is, ...powerful! Truth can only be know when you can admit that you don't know it... Wow. Very Krishnamurti, I know. This has been nice. I guess I started this more than a few hours ago. Ruminating in a coffee shop, listening to music. I can see myself doing this a lot in the next phase of my life. Time now to prepare for the job at hand. Recurrent training of the Boeing 737. I should look over the limitations and procedures. First the bathroom...

Flying East While Going West

We are climbing out of Jeddah at 3000 feet per minute, carbon fiber blades are spinning at 33,000 rpm hungrily consuming 200 pounds of fossil fuel every minute while it pulls gallons of air through itself to propel us forward. I glance at the center fuel tank quantity gage. It shows 1200 lbs. Engines are burning just under 6 thousand pounds an hour each now. Let's see, that should be about 6 minutes before I have to turn the center tank pumps off. I start the stopwatch, just to see if my prediction is accurate. Wow, I must be bored. I look outside and see single dots of lights dispersed randomly in mountain valleys. What would it be like to live there - far away from the city. What do those people think about? What motivates them? What makes them laugh or cry? What are they afraid of? What are they passionate about? How do they view the world? I will miss this place, when I leave. Even after 5 years I love to hear the prayer call. It's still exotic. I love to rehash inside jokes with Muslim men just by a word or a knowing smile, that reminds us both of previous conversations. We ask about our kids by name. We remember each others' upcoming vacation plans. We remember what makes the other laugh, despite the chasm of world view that supposedly separates us. I wave at the mechanic that comes up to greet us as we pull the airplane into it's parking spot. He points at his wedding ring and then lifts up two fingers with a smile reminding me of a previous time he was goading me to get a second wife. "Why shouldn't my wife get a second husband?" I had asked him. He had tried to explain to me how women's needs were different, etc. - all with obvious tongue in cheek. I will miss these guys, this land full of mystery and complexity. I will miss sitting on the floor with eight other guys eating out of the same plate of kabsa with our hands. I will miss walking by the carpeted rooms with shoes scattered around the doorway and looking in to see dispatchers and baggage handlers, pilots and managers all standing in a row, shoulder to shoulder facing west with bare feet and humble submission to their God.

Desecration

Thinking. Thinking about life. The colors of the sky during evening and morning. The coolness of morning air on my face. The miracle of flight. Technology and nature united, working together to perform a miracle. I'm thinking about all the hatred. All these people hating each other because of different explanations for the origin of time. Nobody is willing to say, "I don't know." But this fascinating life with all it's wonders and complexity is desecrated by their vitriol.

Sunshine!

So I've just transitioned out of a dark cave into the light. The cave was nice, cool, safe, out of the heat of the sun, but I didn't know where I was going. Sure I could just stay there, but it wasn't where I wanted to be. There was no excitement or future in it. This is the best analogy to my situation right now. I have suddenly found my way out of the cave and see a breathtaking view of the future. I just interviewed and was hired by major U.S. airline and all my pent up anxiety about the future has been released. I was trying so hard to get in, and it happened. For the record my interview was last Wednesday and Thursday, November 14-15, 2012. It was challenging, and at least from one evaluator, the only one that gave me feedback, it was a close call. Not sure why - he said something about wondering if I would ever "let my hair down" and show myself. I think I was trying hard to give all the right answers and he wasn't able to see me behind all my carefulness. Anyway, he said it all depended on an answer to the last question he gave, which was something like, how would I make a 4 day trip enjoyable if I were to fly with him. I barely remember my response but, according to him, I "knocked it out of the park." All I said was that I love getting to know people and that all I would do is find out as much about him as I could. For some reason, that resonated with him. Anyway, I am now to wait for a class day, and am told it may take a while, maybe even 6-7 months. But I have nothing to loose. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have plenty of time to get ready and I'll only be making more money while I wait. But what a desert at the end - just to dream of Hawaii, Mexico, Alaska, getting to know many new people and returning home. Maybe living in Anchorage for a few years, settling down in the land of customer service and like-minded people, but with a rich perspective of life; time to test my writing skills while on the road. And what a great way to retire! I'm in a state of euphoria. It seems nothing can go wrong now.