Twilight of Separation

I’m in Amsterdam right now, on the way back home. This isn’t a regularly scheduled leave, I just asked for a few weeks to finalize my worker’s visa for Saudi Arabia, which is the last link in the chain of events that should lead to actual employment, and most importantly, the end of my 13 month separation from my family. All this last year I’ve been an independent contractor working under a visitor’s visa, with no benefits or paid leaves, and no legal means to have my family in Saudi with me. That all should change in a few weeks. I’m greatly looking forward to it. As much as it was nice to be able to have a lot of time to myself without much in the way of obligations, it never felt like a very healthy way to be a father and husband. It also got harder and harder for Maddy to let go of me when it was time to go back at the end of my three week leaves. I don’t know if I could have handled much more of that. I look forward to quickly working back into a much more active role in parenting Maddy and relating with both her and Nikki (a new and improved spelling). It was nice to be able to talk to them and see them every day via the Internet, but there was still a relational deficit that can only be remedied by physical presence, I believe.

This brief interlude away from the normal, has provided me some unique opportunities that I will always cherish. Besides having the time to learn a bit of guitar, and Arabic, I have been able to develop some friendships with some very special people. Some, I’ve gravitated to more than others, but I don’t think I would have had opportunity to spend half as much time with these guys had I also been living with my family. What has also been a unique and growing experience has been the attempt to let go of the desire to have to categorize and define my life experiences. In an attempt to be more honest with myself, I have allowed a much greater amount of questions to remain unanswered. I don’t know if this has been a healthy move or not, but I have at least seen an apparent relational advantage. A guy with less answers, is more prone to listen to others. This has a remarkably positive affect relationally … and if I have learned anything this year, this would have to be it. Both Socrates and Solomon said that the person who thinks himself wise, is not. My certainty of so many important things remains illusive, but what I have become convinced of is that relationships are just about the only thing worth living for, and no relationship works without love expressed through a listening ear.

Another confirmation of the power of honesty has come to me through literature. I had an epiphany the other day as I realized, a bit more clearly, why I have loved Steinbach so much over the years, as well as Pearl S Buck, and Khaled Hosseini. This was made clear while I was reading a different author that just didn’t feel like it was of the same caliber. I realized, as I was reading, that great literature is often great because of its honesty. The book I was reading was a biography, and it was reminiscent of many biographies I used to read when I was much younger, as well as many funerals I’ve attended. The main character was overly praised and seemed larger than life, and therefore unreal. This might be necessary for biographies and/or funerals, as it would be very disrespectful to a main character’s family to paint too real of a portrait. The beauty of good fiction, I’ve now decided, is that it provides a platform for less restrained honesty. When the “hero” does wrong, and experiences guilt or shame etc., the effect on the reader is powerful. It puts writing on a whole new level, as far as I’m concerned...