Under the Cloud

Living under the cloud of "needing to make a difference" is tiresome. I've spent so much of my life hoping somehow God would use me to lead someone to himself - or to becoming a Christian. Most of the time I'm disappointed in myself because nothing happens. I can't get the nerve up to talk about God. When I do it doesn't seem to go anywhere, or it bothers the listener. Or I get myself in a position where I realize I don't really know what I'm talking about or can't find a way to defend it. Also I feel stuck inside this very fallible personality and character. So easily swayed in my purpose by my desire to be liked. And I'm getting tired of trying to achieve the impossible. I can't change anybody, and no one is going to change on my account - least of all by watching my life. They haven't and they probably won't. So why continue to live in disappointment. Living under the expectation that "reading the bible more" will make me into this super Christian. The more I read the bible the more I get pissed off. Yet I read it every day anyway, giving myself license to react to it honestly. It's refreshing to be honest, but I don't feel like I'm "growing" as a result. I'm just getting more jaded. Gotta go.